Little New

I wish I had some good news. I don’t. At least there is no bad news.

I met with another neurologist and his interns. He re-examined the original EEG and agreed on what it did not show (much neural involvement with the reflexes we see). He examined the CAT scan for the first time, and noted that it did not show damage. They lifted my father’s sedatives enough for an “examination” (really, just talking loudly and pinching — I’m beginning to see what they mean by “clinical nihlism”) and he was as he was yesterday, as he was two days ago.

I feel cold.

I want my dad to be better. I want him to be healthier. I want him to be back.

Sometimes my dad’s eyes water when we talk to him. My mom said his eyes fluttered when she was around. My brother says he smiles if his chin is scratched the right way.

But I want the dad who was going to drive down and see me tomorrow.

I just wish this week never happened. I want to go back in time to Saturday.

Driving to buy soup.
Talking to my dad on the phone.
And knowing I will see him, two days after St. Valentine’s.

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2 thoughts on “Little New
  1. it is so heartrending and heartbreaking. you have been and are very close to your father, and that is most certainly a very warm and wonderful gift. you've honed yourself to be acutely aware of his every action and sound, whatever moments your father can give you during this time, but, and I am sure, he is aware as well – there is much about the human condition, the human mind and the human spirit that we know nothing about. i am positive he knows, hears and feels more than he can convey. my mother passed away suddenly, in an instant (never knew my father). your father is still with you. use the time to draw closer to his breath and the breaths of those around him who care for him as well. whether he is awoken to the world around him once again or passes on from this life, my prayers and thoughts are with you, in the hope that you will be accepting of the outcome ahead. shalom.

  2. Farrah,

    Thank you. You are a true friend.


    Thank you, as well. I am sorry for your losses, and grateful for your kind thoughts and true words.

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