It’s been a while since George Will has been politically relevant, but a faithful reader has obtained a draft copy of a column that will run the week of Fred Thompson’s announcement.
Will’s column will make a splash, and potentially cause troubles for the Thompson campaign:
The British navy found that, despite seemingly favorably odds, the Dardanelles Channel guarding Constantinople proved impenetrable for His Majesty’s Navy.
Fred Thompson is about the learn the same.
I sit here, staring at an asp I purchased a week before yesterday. An asp of the same variety as took the life of Cleopatra Makedonus. I purchased the snake for one reason.
If Fred Thompson wins the party nomination, I will kill myself.
There is party suicide and there is personal suicide. There shall not be one without the other.
If Fred Thompson steps up to the podium in Saint Paul to accept the Republican National Committee’s nomination for President, I will step down from this mortal coil. If he shuffles on stage, I shuffle off.
For the great majority of contemporary Americans without an exposure to the classics, I will repeat myself in the vulgate of our times
If Fred Thompson wins the primary, I will kill myself.
As the generational struggle against Muscovy taught Americans “Better dead than Red,” I now say: “Better dead than under Fred.”
I present this challenge to Senator Thompson, a fake prosecutor on a fake crime show and a very real deadbeat: if you continue to run, you will kill me.
This is not an idle threat, nor misdirected scorn. My standards, my virtue, my honesty, my determination are beyond doubt. To crib, perhaps, the third-person form of address made famous by the World War veteran from Kansas: “George Will does not lie. George Will tells the truth.”
“If Fred Thompson wins, George Will dies.”
Senator Thompson, save America, and save my life.
Don’t run the Dardanelles of the Beltway.
Fred Thompson apparently heard of this slightly before I did, as his YouTube response is already up:
(YouTube video: Thompson reads the article, smiles, turns to the camera and takes out his cigar.)
Dardanelles of the Beltway? I don’t know what you New England drama queens see in an ancient Napoleonic treaty; I have an campaign to conduct.
The fact is, Georgey, that your liberal ideas are bankrupt. Just like how they will bankrupt our country. Its time for change; its time for Fred.
Now if you excuse me, I have an acceptance speech that I need to write.
(Thompson begins to turn away but pauses then quickly looks back into the camera)
Oh and be careful. I hear that asps bite.
(Thompson chuckles and the video ends)